heartless

I spent this morning at one of the district hospitals with a friend, Q, and Q's friend, Z. Q had been concerned about Z's health, and had recently surmised that Z was: 1) HIV+; 2) suffering from another uncontrolled, unrelated, chronic debilitatingly-painful condition.

Q recently learned that Z had begun HAART (highly active anti-retroviral treatment), but Z wasn't admitting to much, and was, frankly, suffering from problem #2 far more than #1.

Q had asked me for some advice yesterday, which I'd readlily given. I showed up this morning at the hospital, where Z had an appointment, partly to see if I could help, partly out of research interest.

But this is the thing: Q has a personal relationship with Z. Q and Z are friends. I'm friends with Q; I only met Z today. I was there to help Z and Q, but I still had my research hat on. And it's hard to feel oneself moving in between personal relationships and research interests. But part of the reason I could be of any help whatsoever today is because of my research. I can help Q help Z navigate the system and decode all of the medical jargon because I've been studying the system for more than a year now.

Nevertheless, it's hard not to feel like something of a heartless wretch about my position in all this. I kept talking to Q, putting the conditions of Z's suffering and treatment (or lack thereof) in context, in a never-ending game of OK, but let's also consider that... I couldn't let it be about (or let myself get angry about) simply uncaring doctors, or simply unavailable medications, or simply anything -- not even simply one person's physical agony. What kind of demon am I?

It's hard to feel myself being something other than irate about Z's suffering -- or, better, something in addition to irate about Z's suffering. I don't want Z to suffer, but I'm also seeing that suffering as part of a larger system that I'm trying to understand. But my distance, this in addition to, troubles me. Like my affect is out of alignment. Like I must be an immoral creature to do what I do.

One of my advisors once said that anthropology is necessarily subversive. She's a smart lady and she's probably right, but that seems like rather cold comfort right now.